Oakley Will Slap You

To begin, a few facts about Charles Oakley:

1) Charles Oakley walked out of Avatar because he only sees in 4D.

2) Charles Oakley can roundhouse kick Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick in the face.

Along with the fame and fortune that accompanies professional athletes, NBA players garner scrutiny from media members and endure sharp criticism from the league’s front office when they draw attention to themselves for their behavior.

Charles Oakley doesn’t give a shit.

Oakley patrolled NBA courts like Dog the Bounty Hunter operates the streets of Hawaii. Oakley’s feud with Tyrone Hill, which began over a $54,000 dice game debt, exemplifies his fierce disposition. Apparently Hill was in no serious rush to pay Oakley his money, so before any game between the two, Oakley made a point of finding Hill and exchanging a few words.

In a pre-season game Oakley confronted Hill, slapped him in the face, started to scuffle, and proceeded to be thrown out of the game before tip-off.

During a regular season shootaround Oakley flung basketballs at Hill and connected with Hill’s face.

Oakley stated, “Everything in life is double. If he didn’t pay me $108,000, he didn’t pay me.”

Hill eventually paid the $108,000.

Not even the renown of Hall of Fame member and Dream Team Olympian Charles Barkley intimidated Charles Oakley.

According to the New York Post Oakley told Barkley at a Union meeting during the league lockout, “Every time I see you, I’m going to slap you.”

Oakley is a man of his word, and three minutes into a game between the New York Knicks and Houston Rockets Oakley threw Barkley to the floor. Barkley retaliated by throwing a few punches.

After the game Clyde Drexler, Barkley’s teammate, called Oakley a dirty player.

Oakley’s response: “He can blow me.”

Charles Oakley is the ideal candidate to administer justice to the sports world. He values fairness, pride, punctuality, and a quick, yet firm, backhand to the face.

Charles Oakley will restore reason and sportsmanship to those who have gone astray.